Inflight Viewing: Bad News Bears (1.5/4 stars) and The Perfect Man (0.5/4 stars)

So I was stuck on Thai Air because it had the only sensible flights to Bangkok from Manila. No, we didn't get personal screens (Sing Air has me spoiled) but I still ended up watching the inflight offering both ways. Not what I would have picked given a decent selection, but there was no selection.

I like Billy Bob, and he's fun in his drunken bastard mode. Unfortunately, he already did the definitive drunk bastard in Bad Santa, so Billy Morris Bob Buttermaker is less mean and cranky than Billy Santa Bob Claus. But he's still fun no matter what.

This is a formula "kids' team makes bad coach better, better coach makes team winner" movie, played out on a little league baseball diamond. They elect for the moral victory as the ending for this one. Director Rich Linklater toes the line between trying to make something of this and mailing it in, but in the end decides to just mail it in. He gets nothing from the kids, except maybe for first-timer spitfire Sammi Kane Kraft as the team's girl pitcher (probably because she really IS a pitcher). I guess working with Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke all the time spoils you.

Bottom Line: Watch it to see drunken bastard Billy Bob, but if you've seen Bad Santa, then you're not missing anything.



Gaaak a Hilary Duff film. At least it's got a semblace of a rom-com, so I hoped that the film isn't all about the Duff.

Sadly, it was all about the Duff.

In this trainwreck, Duff attempts to steer her relationship-impaired mom (Heather Locklear, looking not a day over 40) away from guys she considers less-than-perfect. She does this by creating a "Perfect Man" out of thin air, using the opinions of hunky-but-apparently-engaged Chris "Mr. Big" Noth.

It's not funny, it's not romantic, and it's simply not entertaining.

Bottom Line: Pass. Please.

Michael Winterbottom's 9 Songs (1.5/4 stars)

I really hesitated before deciding to view this film, mostly because I was sure I was going to hate it. For one, the music that Mike Winterbottom's controversial 9 Songs is built around isn't my cup of tea. However, since it's controversial, I gave it a whirl.

For one, 9 Songs is short. About half of the film is footage of live band performances. The other half has the lead characters Matt and Lisa having sex in various situations.

Look, I get what Winterbottom was aiming for. There's almost no dialogue in the film. The emotions of the characters are drawn from the music and the sex. Their relationship is built on the same thing. It's as if he's challenging the viewers to figure out how this worked at all, and how it went wrong when it did go wrong.

Sadly due to the sex scenes no one really cares about the message. Ramp model Margot Stilley makes her feature film debut by baring everything to Winterbottom's digital camera. Male lead Kieran O'Brien does the same thing, including providing what's known as a "money shot" in porn.

Oh, that's where it all is. Is this porn?

Nah.

Porn is created explicitly to sexually excite. That wasn't the purpose here. Winterbottom was attempting to tell his story with two activities that are part of the real lives of people like Matt and Lisa. They're out there. This is them. But since so many people don't think Margot Stilley should have shown her vagina in a feature film, that's all overlooked and what people remember is oh god he stuck his cock in her pussy in full view of the camera what a scandal.

Bottom Line: I still didn't *like* the film, but that doesn't mean it's pornography or that it's worthless. If you're of the same age as the characters and like that kind of music (cmon we all like sex) then it's likely that 9 Songs will connect with you.

Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds (1.5/4 stars)

Steven Spielberg. Tom Cruise. Dakota Fanning.

Star Power.

Okay, so Tom's one filament short of a lightbulb, but that doesn't mean you don't expect big things from those three names.

Look. Spielberg's the man. Saving Private Ryan, Schindler's List, Amistad and Minority Report give him the leeway to make the gigantic crapola that was AI. He spun his wheels for a while with the relatively quiet and competent efforts in The Terminal and Catch Me If You Can (at least as quiet as films headlined by Hanks and DiCaprio can be).

Dakota's a kid, so I'll assume she listens to her handlers so she can be absolved.

War of the Worlds is a huge letdown. Not just because we were expecting a huge fight between US and THEM. Not just because we wanted to see MEN spank the MARTIANS. It was because we were looking for a sci-fi spectacular, and what we got was a half-baked family drama from a guy that really shouldn't be doing a family drama. (Jerry Maguire was clearly a fluke, or it was all Cameron Crowe.) My reaction at the end was: What. The. Fuck. You climax is James Earl Jones telling you we won.

Unacceptable.

Bottom Line: You'd better have a big one next time out Mr. Spielberg, because this one didn't cut it. If you miss it, you didn't miss much.

David Mackenzie's Young Adam (2.5/4 stars)

Young Adam is a very strange film. It's a slow burn, reverse-but-not-really film where we follow a guy who might be mixed up in a murder but we don't really know why or how. And there's lots of sex.

Ewan Macgregor is sort of like Johnny Depp Lite. He does the mainstream stuff that we all love and know and enjoy - Star Wars, Moulin Rouge, Down with Love, The Island (ok that's pushing it) - but he also does these strange indie-type films where we gets to brood and act silly and show us his willy. In this one, it's a one-man road trip with lots of fucking and slow unraveling of the strands surrounding the aforementioned mysterious murder.

Some may find the going slow and tedious. I've sat through Solyaris, and I love 2001. Young Adam is pretty good for what it wants to be.

Bottom Line: Recommended for patient viewers with an eye (and ear) for detail, and who don't mind seeing other peoples' privates.

Barbara Kopple's Havoc (0.5/4 stars)

When your first "grown up" film is released direct to video, you probably made a terrible mistake in picking a vehicle to launch your "new" career.

Anne Hathaway was a Disney Princess, about a step down from Queen Hilary Duff. The Princess Diaries was a decent "hit" for the Mouse House (I use the term hit loosely here), enough to warrant a sequel. Her other "name" film, Ella Enchanted, could easily have been a Disney project (it wasn't, but was distributed by Disney house Buena Vista in some parts of the world).

Anyway, Princess Anne decided that she had enough of the saccharine roles, so she picked a big girl's role. Unfortunately for her, Havoc is a turd of a project. Anne's role is sort of a mirror image of herself, a young woman looking to grow up too fast. Along with her sidekick, Played by random blonde Bijou Philips, they embark on a quest to find fulfilment in dangerous places, situations and company.

Yes, not very inspiring or interesting. To top it all off, Princess Anne bares her bosom in the name of art. Wonder how Havoc became a hot item on the net? Yep. The formerly-royal boobs of Anne Hathaway.



Anne, girl, I know that both Alyssa Milano and Drew Barrymore survived errors of judgment like this early in their careers, but it's not a formula for success. Get some sense, put on some clothes, find a new makeup artist, and you just might make it in Hollywood without having to show us what your panties are hiding.

Bottom Line: Find the internet clip of Anne's "star turn". Otherwise, give it a wide berth.

Michael Bay's The Island (2/4 stars)

Yes, it's Michael Bay, and I'm giving his film 2 stars. The Island has been universally panned, especially in sci fi circles, as a joke. Everyone points at Bay's track record, which includes the just-as-universally panned Armageddon. Hey, Armageddon is ok in my book (I'd give it 2 to 2.5 stars) and The Island isn't awful.

Well, ok, the dialogue is awful, but you're not expecting Tarantino from Mike Bay.

Ewan is ok, but Ewan is a pretty decent actor. The attraction here (as it is in any of her recent films) is Scarlett. No, she doesn't get much character to work with, but at least she gets to run around for a change. Too many dramas make Scarlett a dull girl to watch.



Bottom Line: It's not Aliens. It's not Die Hard. But it's decent mindless fun, and it's got Scarlett.

Even More Heroes: Hellboy (3/4 stars) and Sky High (3/4 stars)

This installment, we look at a couple of contrasting supers films.



Hellboy is an interesting superhero tale, just as its lead character isn't your usual guy in tights. I've no experience with the comic the film is based on, but I've heard good things. Director Guillermo del Toro comes up with something halfway between Spider-Man and Batman - it's not full on with the camp, but neither does it pass on the human elements.

Ron Perlman is a personal favorite when a role calls for a lot of prosthetics. I grew up on the small screen live action Beauty and the Beast, where Ron defined the role for me. He brings Hellboy to life, and gives him that streak of humanity that makes his resistance to his nature as the Son of Satan credible. Most of the other characters form the backdrop against which Hellboy is painted. Many are interesting, but none are as full-formed as you might like.

The story has decent pacing, slowing down for character sets then speeding up for the action. Speaking of the action, the CGI is competent, and the dark, gritty setting fits the overall feel of the movie.

Bottom Line: Thumbs up, an entertaining romp well worth seeing.



Our other film of the day, Sky High, is the other side of the coin that Hellboy graces. This is a full-on fun film, a superhero take on the regular teens-in-school growing up and proving themselves template. The writers (there are three of them credited, indicating a degree of rewrite) got the tone right. Have fun, but there are real world parallels here. It's almost like The Incredibles in live action. Sort of.

The issues? The need to live up to famous parents, the need to fit in at school, cliques, identity, dealing with judgment on your potential... I'm sure there's more. The ensemble cast does a good job, but credit director Mike Mitchell and whoever his editor was with keeping the whole thing moving at a good clip.

The kids with the lead roles are pretty good, but Bruce Campbell steals the show with his take as Sky High's answer to Hogwarts' Sorting Hat. His power of talking really loud fits Bruce, and he's damned funny as always.

Bottom Line: If you want 100 minutes of entertainment, you could do far worse than Sky High.

Into the Blue (0.5/4 stars)

Director John Stockwell has a plum job. His last directing credit was for another babes-in-bikinis flick, Blue Crush. Considering both films are pretty awful, a huge step down from the bad-but watchable Crazy/Beautiful, he must be doing these films for the girls.

And yes, I only watched this movie for Jessica. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, it was better when Jessica was on screen. Ashley Scott wasn't bad either, but the half star rating is entirely for this:



Bottom Line: Only for Jessica fans. Leave your brain at the door.